I realize

that I only have a day left until this is all over but I can’t handle his daily freak outs and how he constantly changes his mind about whether or not he’s on my side in this.  Don’t offer help if you can’t deliver.  Don’t end the night with frustrated criticism.  You know that I’m falling apart.  You know that I’m not trying to bark orders at you.  Now is not the time to make me cry.

What ifs.

What if I fail again?  What if I don’t get the internship?  What if I have to spend the summer still trying to graduate?  What if I have to explain that to my mom, my dad, my anyone?  What if I have to leave and never get a degree?  

Child of Divorce

When my parents started fighting, I was 7 and a half.  Maybe it had been happening longer than that, but that was when it was first brought to my attention.  After 4 years of screaming and tears, finally their marriage ended.  For a while, I resented both of them.  Parents are supposed to stay together for the kids, right?  Were we not enough glue to put them back together?  Of course I know now that the divorce had nothing to do with me or my brother but the effects are haunting.  

Shortly after the papers were finalized, Bob came into our lives.  I hated him for months.  He’s not my dad and I wanted to make sure he knew it, just the general 13 year old melodrama.  Anyway, my mom only dated one man after my dad and he’s still around today, which I could not be more thankful for.  Bob changed our lives completely.  When he moved in, we started eating dinner together around the table, having weekly game nights, going on beach vacations and my mom started smiling again.

For 13 years we lied to my Dad about Bob, but this year that changed.  Finally, my mom got the courage to tell him that Bob is living with her and has been for years.  and nothing bad happened.

nothing bad happened.

I still can’t believe it.  My Dad agreed to come to my graduation party, something he couldn’t do just 4 years ago for my High School Graduation.  Somehow, I think in learning about my depression the past few months he’s realized the profound effect every one of his words and actions has had on my psyche.  

A month ago he said he was proud of me, and would always be proud of me.  My eyes are tearing up just thinking about those words.  Silly little words that I’ve been waiting 22 years for.  

Honestly, it was worth the wait.